Irving Jowler is a world renowned board gaming coach, game play consultant, and pizza delivery man. He earned a "Golden Board Gamer" award for coaching from the Gaming Institute of Langoon in 2003 and in 2007 he received the prestigious "Hungry Hungry Hippopotamus" award for Gaming Achievment from the National Board Gaming and Iron Smelting Academy. Currently, "Doctor" Jowler works exclusively with classic game enthusiasts to increase their skill in games such as Yahtzee, Connect Four, Battle Ship, Stratego, and Pass The Pigs. It is his hope that one day board games will be considered true sports worthy of Olympic competition. "Doctor" Jowler has mentored and coached numerous professional board gaming athletes and currently writes an advice column for the PigMadness.com website.
Dear Doctor Jowler,
In the Jeff Bridges video, we see Jeff blowing on the pigs and then rolling a Leaning Jowler. Does this effect usually happen after blowing on the Pigs or was Jeff just lucky as hell?
Sincerely, Tactics
Dears Tactics,
Actually, what Jeff does is something I have long been an opponent of. Essentially it's cheating, sorry to say, however there are no written rules against it. Jeff is mimicking a roll of traditional dice, blowing on them for good luck. However, traditional dice are made of a hard plastic and the pigs, as we all know, are made of a softer...more of a rubbery...plastic. By blowing on the pigs, or breathing on them, while they are in your closed fist what you are actually doing is putting moisture on them and warming the surface temperature which will cause them to cling to a surface rather than bounce or roll as they would when dry and cold. So yes, there was a bit of luck involved, but he increased his odds by a maneuver which I refer to as...kissing the pigs. I hope to see some regulations against it in the future.
Dear Doctor Jowler,
If Tiger Woods, Will Farrell, Vince Neil, Peyton Manning, Drew Barrymore, and Michelle Obama all played in a Piganapolis 500 - who do you think would win and why? and who would come in last?
Sincerely, Ponderous
Dear Ponderous,
I love this question and it really took me a while to figure it out. Tiger Woods would come in last because his mind just isn't focused on sports right now...his plate is full. Will Farrell would be second to last simply because he would be too busy trying to entertain the crowd and wouldn't concentrate on his pig passing. Next would be Vince Neil because rock stars have trouble concentrating on anything but sex, drugs, and rock and roll or else they've had too much sex, drugs, and rock and roll to concentrate. Drew Barrymore would get the 3rd place Bronze because she's cute, but cute don't win the pig tourney. Michelle would get the Silver medal simply because Peyton Manning is a trained, competitive athlete who has proven he can stay focused under pressure for hours on end. So in the end, Peyton would take the gold by a narrow margin over Michelle. However, this is completely speculation...I really have no friggin' clue. I have always believed that anyone can win at pigs at any time, which is why it's always best to compete in a "best of" series rather than an individual game. It's not about who can win once...it's about who can go the distance.
Dear Doctor Jowler,
Now that Johnny Derango has tried to use his smelly ass to throw opponents off their game (at the 2010 Masters), in addition to playing mind-games with them and getting them too drunk even keep score, what other sneaky techniques do you think he might try in the future that others should watch out for?
Sincerely, Mr. Conspracy Theory
Dear Conspiracy,
Johnny is a psychological player, which means he uses his mind as much as his passing skill. For now I would expect things such as loud noises, car alarms, phony phone calls, offering heavy foods and pastries to weigh players down, hiring both male and female strippers to attend the events, water balloons, "sudden" earthquakes which just happen to shake the table the moment you roll a Double Leaning Jowler, and perhaps even using fornicating wild animals as a distraction. Few things are as distracting as sexy badgers.
Dear Doctor Jowler,
If someone is rolling the pigs by themselves in the forest and they roll a Double Leaning Jowler and let out a huge scream to celebrate, will anyone hear them?
Sincerely, I Pass Alone
Dear Alone,
Intriguing, but I'm on to your trick question. Everyone knows that anyone who rolls a Double Leaning Jowler alone didn't actually roll one at all. Without a witness, it doesn't count. End of story. So go ahead and scream your head off...it still doesn't count so who gives a crap if anyone heard it? Let that be a lesson to you folks! Always have a witness and always take a photo or some video footage. Don't let your Double Leaning Jowler be the topic of controversy!
Dear Doctor Jowler,
I get stoned. A LOT. Sometimes i'll do a line for breakfast or even get tweaked for the entire weekend and then roll some pigs as i'm coming down on pills. If i were rolling the pigs while binging, ... uh shit nevermind.. i forget the question.
Sincerely, ???
Dear ???,
I guess the old saying is true. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. It only matters if you remember winning or losing.
