Irving Jowler is a world renowned board gaming coach, game play consultant, and pizza delivery man. He earned a "Golden Board Gamer" award for coaching from the Gaming Institute of Langoon in 2003 and in 2007 he received the prestigious "Hungry Hungry Hippopotamus" award for Gaming Achievement from the National Board Gaming and Iron Smelting Academy. Currently, "Doctor" Jowler works exclusively with classic game enthusiasts to increase their skill in games such as Yahtzee, Connect Four, Battle Ship, Stratego, and Pass The Pigs. It is his hope that one day board games will be considered true sports worthy of Olympic competition. "Doctor" Jowler has mentored and coached numerous professional board gaming athletes and currently writes an advice column for the PigMadness.com website.
Dear "Dr. Jowler",
I'm trying to figure out what it takes to throw a Double Leaning Jowler, especially when it counts in an official NPPL event. I'm especially interested in what it takes to accomplish such a feat on more than one occasion. So, I looked at the Double Jowler Club page on the NPPL website and I noticed that only 4 people have managed the incredible feat of throwing the elusive DLJ when it actually counts. And only one person in the history of the history of the NPPL, Mr. John Coscia, has managed to do it twice! I naturally assumed this amazingly talented pig-passer must be the allusive "Dr. Jowler"... Surely you must agree that it would be foolish for anyone else to demonstrate such massive hubris and use such a pseudonym when Mr. Coscia is obviously the leading DLJ authority. My research, however, has revealed that you are not Mr.Coscia!!! Therefore, my questions for you are:
1) What authority do you have to use the moniker "Dr. Jowler"?
2) Do you know Mr. Coscia? And if so, can you tell me how to get in touch with this true DLJ expert?
Your help would be much appreciated.
Yours truly,
Dreaming of a DLJ
P.S. I'm sure a person as talented and sought-after as Mr. Coscia must be very busy and probably has hundreds, if not thousands, of admirers clamoring for his attention. So, please be tactful when asking this amazing man for a moment of his time. The last thing I want to do is annoy such a preeminent player.
Dear Dreaming of a DLJ,
Double Leaning Jowlers are incredibly elusive, even at the best of times. Think of them as a "hole in one" which is a rare achievement indeed. How is it done? Honestly, there is no secret to rolling one. It's random. Anyone who passes the pigs long enough will admit that it's impossible to predict when one will occur and impossible to do intentionally. If there was a way of intentionally rolling one then they would appear at every event, which they don't. It is also important to remember that while throwing a Double Leaning Jowler is a huge achievement, the name of the game is all about the follow through....winning. You can roll ten Double Leaning Jowlers and have all of the fame in the world for it, but the game is about winning the final round. Remember, a Double Leaning Jowler is only worth 60 points but it takes 100 points to win a game....and a trophy. Mr. Coscia's trick? Perhaps it's the fact that he wears the same lucky shirt....(see double jowler photos). And if history serves me correctly, Mr. Coscia didn't win a trophy in either event that he threw a Double Leaning Jowler in when, as you say, "it actually counts". So how important is the roll really? Perhaps you should ask Mr. Kuperman or Mr. Vergos. Both won major event trophies within the past year and neither threw a Double Leaning Jowler at either event. hmmmm. Remember...don't lose sight of the main objective, which is winning the game. Even if you need to roll 100 Siders to do it. (And in that sense...the grandeur of the roll is less important, agreed?)
To answer your two questions. I don't assume to demonstrate any form of hubris and I think, perhaps, that you've been misled. My given name is Irving Jowler which was given to me after my great grandfather, Irving Archibald George Jowler (though our middle names are different, mine being Octavion Sarsaparilla) who was the South Western Toss Across Champion for 8 years straight. (a record that stands unbroken) It is not a pseudonym. I do, however, concede the coincidence and irony of my name being Jowler. And the use of "Doctor" is simply a nickname, much like Julius Erving had. (If you're curious my other nickname is The Plum for my skill at the classic game of Clue but you must agree that Doctor Jowler sounds better than The Plum Jowler). Why do they call me Doctor? Well....did Gene Simmons need to explain why they called him Doctor Love? Nope, and neither will I. Additional resume material may be found in the small box on this page.
That being said, please rest assured that I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be, the absolute authority on Double Leaning Jowlers. That's like saying Bill Belichick is the only authority on throwing 60 yard passes. Sure, he knows what it takes to make it happen but he's not out there chucking pigskin around. Does that diminish his ability to help a quarterback get the job done or to take a team to the victory? His three rings would say "no." and my credentials speak for themselves.
Think of me more of a coach, and a mentor, not as a player. As well, there are many resources you can, and should, draw from when learning the sport and the craft of throwing the rubber buddies. I am but one resource.
And yes, I do know Mr. Coscia well. He's a good man and a fine pig passer. I am truly inspired by your admiration for him as an athlete and it shows you're a true fan of the sport. You've chosen a great hero in Mr. Coscia. You can always try to reach out to a Pig Passer through the NPPL website as it handles fan mail regularly.
Dear Doctor Jowler,
I masturbate compulsively. Will that have an effect on my game?
Sincerely, Whack-a-Pig
Dear Whack-A-Pig,
Um, yeah. That will probably be an issue. First of all....DUDE....wash your frigging hands and don't play with my pigs. Second, you'll probably miss your game anyway because you'll be in the bathroom, so don't worry about it. You should try to get a grip on things. Wait...strike that. I meant, get yourself together before game time.
Dear Doctor Jowler,
I was watching poker on tv yesterday and one of the players was wearing sunglasses, a hat and a scarf to avoid showing any emotion or tells. Should Pig Passers consider doing the same?
Sincerely, Poker Face
Dear Poker Face,
The difference between pigs and poker is basically the ability to bluff your opponent. With pigs, there is no bluffing so there are no tells to hide. Every roll is out in the open for all eyes to see. However, wearing glasses (or a welding helmet) might keep from showing your opponent just how nervous or anxious you really are. Sometimes if your opponent smells fear they will play harder. Usually the guys who cover up during a poker game are trying to avoid being identified by their wives or girlfriends. "Were you playing poker???" "Me? No, I was at church!"
Dear Doctor Jowler,
Do you think there are too many pig events during a year?
Sincerely, Busy Beaver
Dear Busy Beaver,
Nice name. No I don't. However, I do think there is a shortage of widespread community events, such as the Madness. Now...please take into consideration that The Madness is a huge event and takes a long time to prep for. It takes a lot of work and isn't easy to manage. And contrary to popular belief it actually costs the masters money (some more than others) when some people actually think the NPPL MAKES money at the event. HA! not. However, it's a great event and a huge crowd draw. Too bad it's only once a year. It would be nice to see a large crowd event that runs every 6 months, so if the Madness is in the summer then what we're really talking about here is a Winter Classic. The question is, does the NPPL have the infrastructure and the fan base to pull it off? In 2010? Probably not. In 2012 (if we don't fall into the ocean) maybe. Ever forward my pig passing companions, ever forward.
Dear Doctor Jowler,
A Double Leaning Jowler has never been rolled in the 11-year history of the holy rink. Why do you think that is?
Sincerely, Rink Thinker
Dear Rink,
The answer is simple. You guys suck! Just kidding. (WARNING: This response will anger some die hard pro pig passers) Actually, that's a great observation, one which really does require some additional testing to answer. There has never been any official tests done on the rink so it's difficult to say with any accuracy just what the hell is going on in that thing. There are a few considerations however...First off, the size of the rink. It's ample enough to throw in but psychologically the players aren't used to it. How often do people get a chance to play or practice in an arena with a walled barrier? It's possible they have a confined throwing style because of it and therefore aren't going with their best foot forward. Second, the surface. It is believed to have been painted with indoor latex paint but no one knows for sure. And then there's the pig paintings in the center, is that the same kind of paint or another texture? It's possible that the paint is affecting the outcome because of the surface texture/s. I suggest that the Board of Pigs run a test at the Piganapolis 500, either before or after the game. Using a brand new set of pigs, roll 500 times in the rink. Take notes as to the outcome of each roll. Then, using another set of new pigs, roll 500 times on a regular kitchen table and record the results. You will find that, most likely, you weren't able to throw any Double Leaning Jowlers. Why? They are really friggin' hard to roll. But you may discover what I have believed for many years...that while the pig rink is loads of fun to play in, and a great part of pig history, it should be removed from competitive pig passing. (Insert your outrage here) Either all of the games should be played in a rink, or none of them. I mean, seriously, that's like having guys box, unrestrained, in an entire gymnasium and then for the final round make them fight in a ring. It incorporates different styles and strategies all together. It's almost a different game entirely! (Which is fine if you are going for that effect, but I don't think you are. The rink is designed to spotlight an event, not change the way it's played) Consider this as a resolution...have a second, or third, rink built to the same specifications as the current rink so that every game can be played in an arena and not just a final round. And if not? Well, if you lose in the final round now you can blame to rink.
